Falling Apart

7 April 2016, Thursday, 6.22am.

Hi,

I feel like my world is falling apart. I feel like it has been like this since a long time ago… Or is it just me? I don’t see the good in everything? I try to be optimistic all the time even when I was going through depression.

My parents’ divorce has been going on for years. I can’t handle the fucking stress. Everyone is putting blames on each other, other than themselves and my dad is taking away things from us just because he has the power to do that… He sent Ah Jun back last year and i missed her ever since. To him, she’s just a maid. To me, she’s family. She is someone who took care of me since 2001 and the only one who stayed no matter what. I remember talking to her about her getting married and having her own family, she was planning to go back to her hometown. Although I was sad, I was happy too cause she has a plan. I remember I promised to bring her around Singapore because she told me she had worked all her life here and never really get to enjoy the city. I remember the day she told me that my father bought a one way plane ticket to Indonesia for her and told her to go for a 1 month break since it was Hari Raya. I remember the day I begged my father so hard to let her come back when he told me he decided to cancel her visa because we don’t need her anymore. I remember the day I cried from 9am until the next morning because I can’t do anything about it. I remember the day i talked to her on the phone and she told me she felt like nobody wanted her anymore… and i remembered she told me not to cry and be strong… I thought I’d have the time to plan our last moments together in Singapore and have a closure because no matter what, she has her own family back in Indonesia. But nope, my father chose to destroy everything…

Right after my dad sent Ah Jun back, he sent my granny away to his sister’s house. I remember granny told him that she doesn’t want to but he did it anyway… Now, he moved the ancestral tablet and the alter away to a temple. I am a taoist, I grew up having them at home and one of the reason I feel safe at home is because I know they are guarding my home and protecting everyone… and they’re gone now. Why is he taking everything away from me and Jesper when we did nothing wrong?

I’m just stuck in this situation where I can’t work. I can’t think of anything and I’m too afraid to leave my house to work in the day and come back to an emptier house. ┬áTell me, is it really me, am I really not trying to see the good in everything? If not tell me, what good are there? I’m sick of being strong or becoming even stronger. It’s bullshit because nobody gives a fuck if you’re strong or not.